Self-Invasion of the Illegal Devil Worshippers 05.02.2007

From the Utah Daily Herald:

Utah County Republicans ended their convention on Saturday by debating Satan’s influence on illegal immigrants.

The group was unable to take official action because not enough members stuck around long enough to vote, despite the pleadings of party officials. The convention was held at Canyon View Junior High School.

Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party, had submitted a resolution warning that Satan’s minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with sovereignty.

Wow. Just wow.

In a speech at the convention, Larsen told those gathered that illegal immigrants “hate American people” and “are determined to destroy this country, and there is nothing they won’t do.”

“I’m going to flee to this country illegally, under the cover of secrecy, in the hopes of a better job, a better life, and more help for my family back home. Oh, and I also want to destroy and annihilate the very place that gives me the opportunities to accomplish my goals.”

Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to “destroy Christian America” and replace it with “a godless new world order — and that is not extremism, that is fact,” Larsen said.

The only people destroying “Christian America” are Christian Americans.

Why would illegal aliens want to create a “godless new world order”? In between working for litle pay and long hours, do they harbor secret ills in their hearts? Are swarms of Dr. Evil hopefuls crossing our borders?

After working for little pay, and working for long hours, and planning a revolution to topple the United States government — you know what else they have apparently done? Taken the time to take over the media.

If I had time management skills like that, let me tell you, I wouldn’t be typing this right now. I’d be on a private tropical island. With time management skills like that, I could finish elementary, middle and high school at the same time.

And get a PhD during recess.

At the end of his speech, Larsen began to cry, saying illegal immigrants were trying to bring about the destruction of the U.S. “by self invasion.”

Invasion means for a foreign body to insert themselves into an unwilling party.

So what exactly does self invasion mean?

Ah, I get it.

Go fuck yourself, indeed.

Republican officials then allowed speakers to defend and refute the resolution. One speaker, who was identified as “Joe,” said illegal immigrants were Marxist and under the influence of the devil.

“Mr. Illegal Immigrant, what made you cross our borders in an attempt to make more money, help your family, and better your life?”

“The Devil.”

Another, who declined to give her name to the Daily Herald, said illegal immigrants should not be allowed because “they are not going to become Republicans and stop flying the flag upside down. … If they want to be Americans, they should learn to speak English and fly their flag like we do.”

That’s awesome. I can see the visa office directions now:

Step 1. Will be be Republican? If yes, proceed to step 2. If no, repeat.

Step 2. Welcome!

Senator Howard Stephenson, R-Draper, spoke against the resolution, saying Larsen, whom he called a “true patriot and a close friend,” was embarrassing the Republican Party.

Translation: Look, I like you and all, and you’re a great drinking buddy, but please, shut the hell up and stop being a fucktard.

“I agree with 95 percent of this resolution but it has some language that is divisive and not inspiring other people to its vision,” he said. “This only gives fodder to the liberal media to give negative attention to the Republican Party.”

Translation: Holy shit, this makes us look like retarded monkeys.

I salute you, Replublican party of Utah.